memories

so i thought that i would start a new series for your enjoyment (but mostly mine) recording stories from my grandma and great aunt who are both in decreasing health. my grandma just turned 78 and has alzheimer's/dementia (i can never keep the differences straight - she for sure has dementia and i think alzheimer's is a form of dementia and its believed that she has that). some days she does great - she's on-point and makes tons of jokes and doesn't repeat herself a lot. other days, not so much. she can't keep it straight what day of the week it is, the fact that she just told you 5 times that there was an earthquake in san diego (which was a few weeks ago, but she thinks it was yesterday), or she becomes paranoid that either nuns are coming into her apartment at night, drinking her alcohol, or someone is leaving her notes to scare her. i try to call my grandma at least twice a week (i have a calendar reminder set up on tuesdays and fridays to call right after days of our lives because i know she'll be awake and most likely somewhat lucid) and she now tells people that i call her every day. sometimes i do talk to her 3-4 times a week, but this isn't often - she doesn't know how to use call waiting, so sometimes when i call she doesnt answer (she's on the other line) and then i don't get an answering machine and sometimes i forget to call back.

i don't call my great aunt very often because its very difficult to hear her on the phone - she is 83 and has parkinsons. it is hard for her to walk, so she often doesn't get to the phone before it stops ringing. and when she does make it to the phone, she is so soft-spoken, that if there is any noise behind me, i cannot hear her.

both women have lost their husbands and live alone in (different) assisted living communities. a few weeks ago, i went to san diego with my grandma and mom and we saw my grandma's two younger brothers. they told me some fun stories that i thought would be great to record here because i think it's really important to learn from our elders and, well, quite frankly, i think the worst thing in the world is to be forgotten. and i dont want to forget my grandmother, great aunt, or have their stories forgotten. AND i think it might be helpful for others to see how dementia has affected the lives of my family. so... in that spirit, please welcome story number 1 from my grandmother...

the other day, i called my grandma and 1) she was SHOCKED that i am moving back to beantown. even though i have had this planned for 2 months and have told her many times. THEN she proceeded to call me "a brat." three times. i kid you not. here was part of our conversation:

me: "hi, grandma, it's me." [except i really said my name, not "me"]
gma: "hi there. how are you?"
me: "i'm fine, how are you?"
gma: "oh, i'm good. bored. not doing anything."
me: "oh yeah? did you just watch days of our lives?"
gma: "days? oh! i forgot!"
me: "oh really? i purposefully waited to call you because i thought you would be watching days of our lives."
gma: "oh yeah, i guess i forgot today. that happens sometimes."
me: "yeah, it's no big deal. so, it'll be a few days and i'll see you again!"
gma: "oh yeah? you're coming home?"
me: "yeah, i'm coming home on saturday and we're having a party for my going away."
gma: "you're going away?"
me: "yeah, i'm moving to boston."
gma: "what?! boston?!"
me: "yeah, i have a job and i'm moving in with a friend."
gma: "well, are you moving your stuff?"
me: "yeah, i've rented a moving truck and i'm driving it there."
gma: "you're driving it to boston?"
me: "yes"
gma: "by yourself?"
me: "yes"
gma: "you little BRAT."
me: "what?! grandma, did you just call me a brat??"
gma: "yes, i can't believe you're driving the truck by yourself. are you driving it yourself?"
me: "yes, i'm driving it myself."
gma: "well, you're a brat then."

just like that. a statement. i was a brat. so i asked why and she explained that she would worry about me and my unnecessarily making her worry makes me a brat. i tried to assuage her fears and told her that i was going to drive carefully, not drive a lot each day and would call her every day. she seemed to feel better about the decision. so we went back to talking about saturday.

gma: "so you're coming home?"
me: "yes, i'm coming home on saturday."
gma: "what day is it?"
me: "today is tuesday. i'll be home this saturday."
gma: "you'll be home saturday?"
me: "yes, and we're having a party that night."
gma: "oh, i like parties."
me: "yeah, it'll be fun. we're gonna have sloppy joes and play whist and other board games."
gma: "are you having a party saturday night?"

...

and such is the mind of a woman with advanced dementia. they say that dementia is actually hardest for the people AROUND the person with dementia because the patient doesn't realize/remember that he/she is forgetful, repetitive, etc. which is sad, but at the same time, helpful. its certainly something to keep in mind.

have you any experience with alzeheimers or dementia?

["memories" is the instrumental song by harold faltermeyer from top gun. its played during the part after goose dies and they show maverick really upset about it. not used here to forecast death, but because i'm making my own memories...]