i can't remember if i cried

grrr. or maybe its ugh. both. grugh.

its 4:18am on tuesday morning. i should be sleeping, but nooo, i'm awake. i'm not pleased. i'm tired and yet 100% awake. i woke up around 330 and thought "it must be time for me to get up soon." nope. not at all. i should be sleeping until 6, then shower quickly, pack for my trip, run to the post office, then hop in a cab on the way to the airport for a work trip for the rest of the week. i think i'm starting to dread my trip. and i don't know why.

and last night kind of sucked, too. it started out good. i worked a little later than i wanted, but thats fine. i walked home and got home around 715. i instantly called my brother homie on skype and showed him some ties i got him. last friday my roommate and i were at lord and taylors and picked out 4 ties for each of my brothers. it was really fun! (they match, btw, which is half the fun - except, turns out player might need extra LONG ties. [stick tongue out here]) anyway, so i showed homie and i think he liked them. he has a new job and needs to dress up for work now. then i watched him iron. thats exactly what skype is for, right?? watching people iron while doing absolutely nothing else?? ha. so that was fun.

i then went downstairs to make dinner and i probably shouldn't have. it was boring. it took too long. i didn't know what i was doing. i kept asking my roommate for help and i think he thought i was joking. i really don't know what to do in the kitchen. then i made a mistake over thinking things and my roommate laughed at me because i guess i didn't apparently listen to him. whatever. the food turned out pretty decent, but it took such an effin long time. i wanted to pack and shower and go to bed early and maybe take a sleeping pill so i could be totally refreshed for my trip. but i couldn't shower because we had used all the hot water with the washing machine (laundry) and the dishwasher (dishes). i was so pissed that i there was no hot water. and yet i was still up late. now i feel like i will be constantly catching up on sleep all week. annoying. oh, and i'm getting sick. one nostril is constantly plugged or runny and the back of my throat hurts. UGH. another reason i should be asleep right now.

maybe i'll meditate. i only just did this for the first time last weekend. i took a class on mindfulness and it was really cool. i wish i liked it enough to do it every day, but so far i am not able to prioritize it. and that sucks. perhaps i'm purposely putting it off or something. i tried showing my roommate about it, but ... well, lets just say i won't be doing that again. i need to not push people who aren't interested in my things. just another disappointment and reason not to open up to people.

oh! and another reason i'm annoyed. i just downloaded the new firefox and now my bookmark tabs don't fit on one line. grrr! that really annoys me! does firefox not get that i have spent HOURS making sure that the titles of my folders are short enough such that i can have them all fit perfectly on one line?? if i don't see them, then i forget they are there. out of sight, out of mind. are you trying to get me to forget my folders, firefox??!! i blame you!

and how come it takes so long to access the itunes store, anyway?? thats annoying! and what the hell with the mindfulness podcasts?? is there NO ONE out there who has done a guided meditation podcast?? now what the heck am i supposed to do? grugh. i am obviously not meant to be awake right now. posting this later in the week so maybe my mood has improved. fingers crossed.