flowers mean forgiveness

i am so annoyed with myself right now. i rarely ever regret things because i think its a stupid emotion. you can never tell what would've happened if whatever you regretted hadn't happened. but this morning, and all of last night, i was very sorry. let me explain:

yesterday morning at 8am, i went to get a deep tissue massage. i've been having some back aches and i want to make sure that i dont get a bad back, so i have been trying to have at least one massage a month to relax my muscles. it was a very very tough massage. i felt good afterwards, but during it, it was quite painful. i went to work, which is not ideal (to sit in a chair for 10 hours after lengthening the muscles), but it had to be done. after a massage, they tell you to drink lots and lots of water because your body can become dehydrated because of all the toxins released. i tried to do that at work, but only had one big thing of water during the day. i was excited to leave work early and head home to watch tv and pack (i'm leaving for work today) and just relax. but nooooo. i got talked in to going out with people from work to thank this group that helped out my client a few weeks back. we've been talking about the fact that many people in our company don't like my group, or don't understand what we do, or think we're showy or ultra-important or things like that. so, as a group, we've been trying to change that perception and it seemed appropriate that i should go out with everyone to thank them for doing such a good job. that, and, i have a corporate credit card. so i go. and this is the part i regret: i had less than 3 glasses of wine, but i should not have had any. i completely forgot that i had had a massage that morning and had some wine. and it hit me on. my. ass. i didn't even realize it until it was too late. and 3 glasses of wine NEVER hits me. it would hardly make me tipsy normally. so i took a cab home and was VERY tipsy. i think i called my parents and told them i was drunk. i went home to pack and really really wanted indian food, so i asked my roommate if we could go when he got home from class. he seemed really excited for it, so i made him a drink he could have when he got home.

however, i was not feeling well. its not as if i was hung over. it was as if i was having an out-of-body feeling. i can't even describe it, but my whole body was unhappy. its as if i poured poison on to an open wound. or something. it was horrible. i kept waiting for my roommate to come home, but i just felt so ILL. he got home and wasn't ready to go right away and i fell asleep and i could not get out of bed. i was immobilized. i feel bad about not going, but that probably wouldn't have made anything better. i should've never had any alcohol after having a deep-tissue massage. and after i did, i should've drank tons and tons of water and gone to bed immediately. ugh.

this morning i don't feel hungover, but i feel very drained and empty. its a bizarre feeling. i don't like it. AND i paid all that money for a really good massage and just blew it all away. its like spending money on fat camp and then coming home right away and eating all your halloween candy. its a waste of your time and effort. my skin feels tingly and i feel really short. this isn't normal. i am not pleased. AND to top it all off, its 7am and i STILL have to pack for my trip for which i leave in 7 hours. crap.

[song by good ol' blue eyes because i need to give my body some flowers right now]