i'm a loser, baby

i should've realized today would be a weird day. i had to force myself out of bed to get ready for work. i made a delicious smoothie of juice, peaches and strawberries. mmmm mmm good. then i left for work and took this other road that i don't normally take (4th street south in moorhead) and i was making a right turn into the RIGHT lane and this woman was making a left turn from across the street and honked at me as if i had almost caused her to crash! she was in the wrong! i put up two fingers as if to indicate, "there are two lanes, you should turn into the correct one" and now that i think about it, i wonder if she thought i was giving her the peace sign. i was not. she didnt pass me and flip me off so i'm pretty sure she realized her error.

so then i get to work and this is when i should've known something was up. the guy who called my name at biolife to take my vitals and make sure i'm still living was the guy who gave me the hematoma so many months ago. i have honestly not run into him again at biolife until today - i have seen him, but he's never poked me, so i secretly thought biolife was keeping him away from me. i wonder if he remembers what he did to me. oh, wait. i did bump into him when i was at a bar once - i was staring at him because i couldnt figure out where i knew him from. i thought he was from boston and then after a few hours realized he was hematoma-boy. i quit staring. anyway, he takes my vitals and points out that i have a bruise on my right arm, where they normally stick me for the plasma. i didnt even notice it, it was so small. so he gets a nurse and she tells me i have to use my left arm. uh-oh. i've only used it once and it gave me a 5-inch bruise that lasted for 3 weeks. and the guy who was forcing me to use the other arm was the guy who could look in my notes and see that the other arm does not work. i was not looking forward to this. so i told the phlebotomist about the issues with my left arm and this was the girl from a few weeks ago who was nervous about putting a needle in my vein because she was new to the job. so she says she'll get someone who has more experience since i have a funny vein. she comes back with a "master plasma technician." i asked him if he had to pass a test to become a master and if he had a black belt. he told me he studied with monks so he could be called "master." i like this guy. so he prods and pushes and makes little dots on my arm and fiddles with the machine and goes back and forth looking for a vein. then he tries sticking the needle in. i couldnt really feel anything and i dont like to look, so i didnt know what was going on but he was taking a really long time. then he stopped, but didnt hook the cord up to the machine so i was really confused. he turned the pressure down, which was good because the whole 5 minutes he was poking and proding, i had a blood pressure cuff on my arm and had to make a fist so i couldnt feel my arm anymore. he went to get another person who came over and he explained, "it's in there, but it's squeaky. it keeps squishing by like when you try to pick up soap." lovely. i thanked him for the technical terms and the girl started going at it (my vein, that is). she had a pretty good grip on my arm and told me to tell her when it hurt too much. which made me realize it should be hurting. which it didn't yet, but just felt uncomfortable. then all of a sudden, pain. so i said, "ok, yeah, that hurts." and she said, "i know." and the guy handed her a towel. i looked down to see blood EVERYWHERE. it hurt because the vein popped. she said to the guy, "i got it in there, but the vein blew." so they let me go home without giving an ounce of plasma and now i have become one of the "non-takes" that they put up on the board each day. i was hoping i wouldn't become one, but i guess since i even showed up i get my $45. that's nice. they also have this raffle / drawing for prizes during the summer and i got to put my name in that (since its my 2nd donation of the week). i felt a little guilty about doing that since i didnt give any plasma, but then i got over it and dropped my name in for a flat-screen tv. but i still kind of feel like i cheated. i totally feel like a loser now with squishy, blowing veins. crappy.

and that makes me feel a little left out. of everything.

1) i don't really have a job. or a direction. or a desire to do anything specific. i kind of want to do everything and nothing at the same time. i stopped by the hospital on the way back home to say hi to my mom and first, some woman cruised through the parking garage not looking and almost hit me. i honked and her husband pointed me out to her and she didnt even care! she was in a huge suburban and driving totally dangerously. anyway, i hate going into the hospital because i get this "well, she'll be working soon" or "we hope she won't be unemployed much longer" or "she's had enough vacation for all of us for a year" and all i can do is smile politely while others try to explain my story. i wish people quit asking. its too much to explain. which leads me to

2) i don't think i fit into very many molds. and sometimes it would be nice to be able to explain your life in one nice sentence. anytime someone asks me what i do or where i live i kind of pause and give a half-smile like, "really? you want to know? what if i dont have anything to say? or what i'm about to tell you would take more than 2 minutes to explain" and then i say something that either sounds a) like i'm an idiot b) i am a loser or c) i'm an idiot loser

3) i read articles like this people have certain ideas about you - who you should be based on one thing or another. for example, according to this article, i should be getting ready to pop out some babies. those who know me well know that this is the furthest thing from my mind. i'm more concerned about whether or not i should buy lobe protectors so i can wear big earrings than i am about having kids. (i DID buy the lobe protectors. i'll let you know how they work)

4) i dont have a girl crush. and after reading this article, i really. want. a. girl. crush. the best compliment anyone ever paid to me was this guy ben i went to high school with. we were on the bus coming back from some activity or another and he turned around in his chair and said, "danielle, i have a non-sexual crush on you. i just think you're really cool." and i loved it! it was such a true sentiment and since then, i have told a few people i have non-sexual crushes on them. i think its great. but for now i have none. and that sucks. oh and to make me feel more left out, i dont know half the people in the article!

bleh.

so hopefully today will have a better ending. i am heading up to grand forks with my cousin to see her mom for a quick bite. i think my cousin is using me, in a good way, of course, because she said she would stop by to visit her friend and her friend wanted her to stay over, but she didnt want to, so now she has an excuse not to since i'm with her. i think i'll bring a book. oh, thats what i need. i need to read a book about a person who is a bigger loser than me and maybe that will make me feel better. any suggestions?