spying glass

one of the nice things about being a movie fanatic is that i have seen many films. so when they come on german tv, i can understand whats going on even if its in deutsch. the other day i was watching die firma (the firm) with my least favorite actor in the world, tom cruise. i have pretty much boycotted his movies; however, since this movie came out before he turned crazy, i feel that i can still watch it. (and also, i didn't realize he was in tropic thunder, so i did go see that) while i was watching die firma, i kept thinking - what if tom cruise's character had been a fat, lazy tv-watching lawyer? he would most certainly be dead 35 minutes into the movie! all tom cruise does is run in that movie. [of course, one could argue that the firm would not have hired a lazy guy because they want active guys anyway, blah blah blah. that's not my point.]

watching this made me realize that there are probably certain skills that everyone must have for those "just in case" situations. you know, just in case you take a job with a shifty firm. or just in case you start dating an international spy. or maybe just in case you ARE an international spy. here is my list of skills i have decided everyone should have (i am going to start working on these right away):

run down 10 flights of stairs and up 6 - if you have to run anything more than this you're probably dead either way

hold breath for 2 minutes - this is good in case you have to hide under a boat in a river OR if someone is trying to drown you - you can play dead

read upside down - i once read that jamie lee curtis learned how to do this so she could see what directors thought of her and other actors. this seems to be a skill that would not be hard to learn, and most probably could do it, but the key is to do it without the other person knowing

know a language that no one else knows - i'm thinking pig latin or farsi - this is important in case you need to get someone else's attention or talk about someone who is in the room. you could be like, "while i distract the guard, you grab his gun!" this is tricky because you need to make sure that whomever you are with also speaks this language. or maybe you just learn that one phrase.

lie - it sounds easy, but you need to be able to think quickly and lie. not just 'plan' to lie like "i know i am going to tell my teacher that i forgot my homework at home even though i didn't do it." you need to be able to lie for those times when people ask you things suddenly. "do you know how to get to alexanderplatz?" "no, i am not a russian spy!" ok, i guess that isn't lying since i really am not a russian spy... but you get the picture.

disable a bomb - it's not always the red wire that you cut. in fact, if i made a bomb, i would make it so it WERENT the red wire that you cut just because everyone thinks that. except now that i have told you that, it might actually be the red wire.

pass a lie detector test - this goes well with the lying, but is a bit more intensive. you need to be able to control your heartbeat. tricky. i've tried.

scale a building - i forgot why i wrote this down, but i am sure it would come in handy. this particular type, parkour, seems easy to learn.

start a fire - this is actually a simple need not only for those instances if you were to accidentally fall out of an airplane over a frozen tundra but if you find yourself in an communist block apartment in eastern berlin.

sky dive - we can all tandem dive, you need to know how to do it allein. that's german for alone.

play dead - this is good in case you are in a bank robbery and bullets are flying or if someone is trying to attack you. its even better if you can fake dead WITH your eyes open.

learn an obscure instrument - the balinese gamelan is a great idea.

are there any skills i am missing? i really need this to be an exhaustive list - it could mean the difference between life and death!