to the 25 of you i killed today...

dear mr. dandelions,

i understand that you are actually daddy longlegged spiders, but in my head i call you dandelions and so that you shall be. i am sorry i had to kill so many of you today, you see, you just don't belong. cleaning out the pantry in this apartment i am renting seemed to be like a nice thing to do for the homeowner - it was a complete mess - and also i didn't want to touch another plate with cobwebs on it. unfortunately, it wasn't just cobwebs i found. each time i moved a box of rice or a saucer, one of your kind would go scurrying away. except, of course, the six of you that were about the size of a silver dollar - found in the shelf corners, clearly behind items that have not been moved or touched in a long while. i can see why you were so big - you clearly had survived the pantry the longest, had the biggest, most intricate web to catch all those stupid flies that fly around this place because of all these stupid plants. you probably ate your some of your babies so you could get bigger or maybe you ate your workers that didn't bring you enough food. or is that the ant? you're all the same. either way, i felt it necessary to double up a papertowel each time i found a new, silver dollar dandelion. the last one scared me quite a bit and made me realize that perhaps i should not try cleaning out the bottom two shelves. and now they will remain dirty because of you, you stupid arachnid. i will not touch a single pot or cookbook (yes, fine, i wouldn't pick up the cookbook anyway) because i know there are more of you down there.

i'm sorry i had to clean off all the jars of pickled lemons, bags of sauerkraut and cans of sardines - i really don't think bug carcasses are necessary for a pantry. the bugs were all dead, so i dont think you could get much more out of them. but it doesn't matter anyway - because now you are gone. and, sorry, i have no input into the bizarre food placed in this pantry. i keep my food far far away from dark corners. and yes, i'm sure he is quite regular - i, too, have never seen anyone eat so much fiber.

i'm also sorry that i will now be forced to keep the pantry door open so as to prohibit the creation of 'dark' corners, your favorite place to live. for your kind in the bottom recesses of the pantry, i shall let you live on, but please do not move up onto any of the 4 shelves i cleaned. if you choose to disobey these orders, i will be forced to remove you from the premises.

in addition, please do not get revenge upon me by crawling on me in my sleep. i would not appreciate this and vengence can be a bitch.

sincerely,

...
(i don't want you to know my name)